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The Journey Through Grief:

The Mourner’s Six “Reconciliation Needs”

The death of someone loved changes our lives forever. And the movement from the “before” to the “after” is almost always a long, painful journey. From my own experiences with loss as well as those of the thousands of grieving people I have worked with over the years, I have learned that if we are to heal we cannot skirt the outside edges of our grief. Instead, we must journey all through it, sometimes meandering the side roads, sometimes plowing directly into its raw center.

I have also learned that the journey requires mourning. There is an important difference, you see. Grief is what you think and feel on the inside after someone you love dies. Mourning is the outward expression of those thoughts and feelings. To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys. We all grieve when someone we love dies, but if we are to heal, we must also mourn.

There are six “yield signs” you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief – what I call the “reconciliation needs of mourning.” For while your grief journey will be an intensely personal, unique experience, all mourners must yield to this set of basic human needs if they are to heal.

Need 1. Acknowledging the reality of the death.

This first need of mourning involves gently confronting the reality that someone you care about will never physically come back into your life again.

Whether the death was sudden or anticipated, acknowledging the full reality of the loss may occur over weeks and months. To survive, you may try to push away the reality of the death at times. You may discover yourself replaying events surrounding the death and confronting memories, both good and bad. This replay is a vital part of this need of mourning. It’s as if each time you talk it out, the event is a little more real.

Remember – this first need of mourning, like the other five that follow, may intermittently require your attention for months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you work on each of them.

Need 2. Embracing the pain of the loss.

This need of mourning requires us to embrace the pain of our loss – something we naturally don’t want to do. It is easier to avoid, repress or deny the pain of grief than it is to confront it, yet it is in confronting our pain that we learn to reconcile ourselves to it.

You will probably discover that you need to “dose” yourself in embracing your pain. In other words, you cannot (nor should you try to) overload yourself with the hurt all at one time. Sometimes you may need to distract yourself from the pain of death, while at other times you will need to create a safe place to move toward it.

Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain. If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to “carry on” or “keep your chin up.” If, on the other hand, you remain “strong” and “in control,” you may be congratulated for “doing well” with your grief. Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.

Need 3. Remembering the person who died.

Do you have any kind of relationship with someone when they die? Of course. You have a relationship of memory. Precious memories, dreams reflecting the significance of the relationship and objects that link you to the person who died (such as photos, souvenirs etc.) are examples of some of the things that give testimony to a different form of a continued relationship. This need of mourning involves allowing and encouraging yourself to pursue this relationship.

But some people may try to take your memories away. Trying to be helpful, they encourage you to take down all the photos of the person who died. They tell you to keep busy or even to move out of your house. But in my experience, remembering the past makes hoping for the future possible. Your future will become open to new experiences only to the extent that you embrace the past.

Need 4. Developing a new self-identity.

Part of your self-identity comes from the relationships you have with other people. When someone with whom you have a relationship dies, your self-identity, or the way you see yourself, naturally changes.

You may have gone from being a “wife” or “husband” to a “widow” or “widower.” You may have gone from being a “parent” to a “bereaved parent.” The way you define yourself and the way society defines you is changed.

A death often requires you to take on new roles that had been filled by the person who died. After all, someone still has to take out the garbage, someone still has to buy the groceries. You confront your changed identity every time you do something that used to be done by the person who died. This can be very hard work and can leave you feeling very drained.

You may occasionally feel child-like as you struggle with your changing identity. You may feel a temporarily heightened dependence on others as well as feelings of helplessness, frustration, inadequacy and fear.

Many people discover that as they work on this need, they ultimately discover some positive aspects of their changed self-identity. You may develop a renewed confidence in yourself, for example. You may develop a more caring, kind and sensitive part of yourself. You may develop an assertive part of your identity that empowers you to go on living even though you continue to feel a sense of loss.

Need 5. Searching for meaning.

When someone you love dies, you naturally question the meaning and purpose of life. You probably will question your philosophy of life and explore religious and spiritual values as you work on this need. You may discover yourself searching for meaning in your continued living as you ask “How?” and “Why” questions.

“How could God let this happen?” “Why did this happen now, in this way?” The death reminds you of your lack of control. It can leave you feeling powerless.

The person who died was a part of you. This death means you mourn a loss not only outside of yourself, but inside of yourself as well. At times, overwhelming sadness and loneliness may be your constant companions. You may feel that when this person died, part of you died with him or her. And now you are faced with finding some meaning in going on with your life even though you may often feel so empty.

This death also calls for you to confront your own spirituality. You may doubt your faith and have spiritual conflicts and questions racing through your head and heart. This is normal and part of your journey toward renewed living.

Need 6. Receiving ongoing support from others.

The quality and quantity of understanding support you get during your grief journey will have a major influence on your capacity to heal. You cannot – nor should you try to – do this alone. Drawing on the experiences and encouragement of friends, fellow mourners or professional counselors is not a weakness but a healthy human need. And because mourning is a process that takes place over time, this support must be available months and even years after the death of someone in your life.

Unfortunately, because our society places so much value on the ability to “carry on,” “keep your chin up” and “keep busy,” many mourners are abandoned shortly after the event of the death. “It’s over and done with” and “It’s time to get on with your life” are the types of messages directed at mourners that still dominate. Obviously, these messages encourage you to deny or repress your grief rather than express it.

To be truly helpful, the people in your support system must appreciate the impact this death has had on you. They must understand that in order to heal, you must be allowed – even encouraged – to mourn long after the death. And they must encourage you to see mourning not as an enemy to be vanquished but as a necessity to be experienced as a result of having loved.

Reconciling your grief

You may have heard – indeed you may believe – that your grief journey’s end will come when you resolve, or recover from, your grief. But your journey will never end. People do not “get over” grief.

Reconciliation is a term I find more appropriate for what occurs as the mourner works to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the person who died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death and a capacity to become reinvolved in the activities of living.

In reconciliation, the sharp, ever-present pain of grief gives rise to a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Your feeling of loss will not completely disappear, yet they will soften, and the intense pangs of grief will become less frequent. Hope for a continued life will emerge as you are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that your life can and will move forward.


Welcome Marion Hornell

Dan and I are pleased to welcome Marion Hornell to our funeral home. Marion with her over 20 years in catering, will be offering her catering services to the families at the funeral home.  Marion’s homemade foods provide families the opportunity to come together with family and friends during and in-between visitations, as well as after services.  Welcome Marion!


Gregory Drive Alliance Church – GriefShare

 

Gregory Drive Alliance Church

255 Gregory Dr. W. Chatham, ON N7L 0E2
Directions

Contact person

Janie Anderson – Nina Van Kesteren, GriefShare Coordinators
519-352-4580
Send message

Registration Fee

$10.00

Child care

Not available

Meeting room

GDAC Cafe

Church sponsor

Gregory Drive Alliance Church
519-352-4580
http://www.gregorydrive.com

 

For more information view:  https://www.griefshare.org/groups/74132


Visit us on Facebook

Visit us on Facebook.   Find us at “Alexander & Houle Funeral Home”.  We will share community events and happenings, and a little bit of life’s moments with you.


Pre-Planning Just Makes Sense

It is not something we like to think about, let alone talk about.  But it something all of us will experience.  The loss of a loved one.  We invite families to start the conversation with us.  Dan and Dianne will share their expertise and compassion with families that need  to make these decisions, whether at a time of loss or in pre planning a loved one’s service.  Let’s start the conversation today.

“Planning is bringing the future into the present so that you can do something about it now”  ~ Alan Lakein

Pre-Planning Just Makes Sense…Call for an appointment today.  519-352-2710

 


A Time To Mourn

The Blenheim and Area Bereavement Support Program:

known as “…a time to mourn…”

A significant personal loss created a need for support and education in her own grief journey. After volunteering for several years, she became a student of Dr. Alan Wolfelt, PhD., the director of the Centre for Loss and Life Transition in Colorado.

Seven years of coordinating the Bereavement Program and Seven Death and Grief Studies Certificates bring Dixie to the Wellness Centre, where she continues to “companion” the bereaved.

Services Offered:

We offer:                                    For the bereaved through:

  • Support                                     * One-on-One sessions
  • Education                                  * Workshops
  • Hope                                         * Support Groups

 

We are located at the McLauchlin Wellness Clinic – 110 Talbot Street, Blenheim ON N0P 1A0 Phone: (519) 676-3311


To The Families of Chatham-Kent

It is with great sense of accomplishment, that Dan and I are able to cordially invite the families of Chatham-Kent to share in an afternoon of celebration in the completion of the Alexander & Houle Funeral Home, on Sunday June 26th, from 1 to 4 p.m. After many months of planning, designing, and construction, Dan and I have completed the funeral home. Jorden and Cook Architect Ltd. assisted in designing a building that incorporated some of the historical features of our prior building. With the help and wonderful friendship of Ron Male and his family, we built a home that would be welcoming and comforting to its families. Many people and businesses in this community of Chatham-Kent shared in our journey of building our new home. They shared their time, talents, enthusiasm and pride in the construction and completion of the funeral home. Dan and I could not be more proud and thankful of their efforts. Together we created a home built by, and for, our community.

Special thanks to Westhoek Construction for their assistance on this project. We could not have done this without you! For the many trades that contributed their own special expertise, we thank you. Construction on the building began in early September and by the beginning of May what we envisioned came to be. Again with the support of our community, our building’s interiors were furnished by many local merchants.

After the fire and while our new home was being built, we were able to continue to serve our community of Chatham-Kent with the help of Kevin Cavanagh and his funeral home, Haycock-Cavanagh. Heartfelt gratitude is extended to Kevin and his wonderful staff, and family, for their assistance and unconditional support and friendship.

To our community, we are so blessed. Thank you for your support throughout our journey. Your many acts of kindness and thoughtfulness will never be forgotten. We are proud and honoured to serve the families of Chatham-Kent. To our staff (our funeral family), John Saunders, Bob Belbeck, Bob Smith, Evelyn Reeve, Susan Brooks, Cheryl Crow, Sandra Barnes and Kathy Mallot, thank you for simply just being you and for the love you always abundantly share with our family and the families we serve.

Shortly after the fire Jim and Lisa Gilbert wrote an article entitled “Funeral Home Loss Akin To Death In Family”, explaining that “Summerlands” (a name given to the original home) can be explained as a place “where souls can pause, reflect, and then go on to their reincarnation”. May our new funeral home, our staff, and our own family, create a home that embodies the true essence of its previous families and past funeral home owners. This home has been created with much love and respect for each and all that pass through its doors.

Please join us on Sunday afternoon and enjoy celebrating the completion of the funeral home.

Kindest Regards,
Anne, Dan, Jacob & Sarah Houle

Experience the difference caring makes

Latest News


The Journey Through Grief:

Read article »

Welcome Marion Hornell

Read article »

Gregory Drive Alliance Church – GriefShare

Read article »

Visit us on Facebook

Read article »

Pre-Planning Just Makes Sense

Read article »
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Contact Us

Alexander & Houle Funeral Home Ltd
245 Wellington Street West,
Chatham, Ontario
N7M 1J9

Phone: 519.352.2710
Fax: 519.352.7372
Email: info@alexanderfuneralhome.ca

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